The phrase “moving on” can feel like a betrayal, as if it means forgetting the person you love. But what if we reframed it? Instead of moving on from them, you can learn to move forward with them. Their love, their lessons, and their light don’t have to stay in the past. You can carry their legacy with you, weaving it into the fabric of your life from this day forward. This is the heart of learning how to go on living when someone you love dies. It’s not about closing a chapter; it’s about starting a new one where their story continues through you. This is a guide to finding meaningful ways to keep their memory alive as you heal.
How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies
Every person’s journey through grief is so unique, yet so similar. When we lose a remarkable person or pet in our lives, it can feel like everything is flipped upside down, and we’re left navigating this new world in a haze.
It’s like we enter a grief-loaded time warp. Time may seem to slow down, and getting through a day of what used to feel normal can feel like a drawn-out eternity. Other times, the days feel like they’re speeding by, and we wake up to realize months have passed in a blur. Finding an equilibrium during this chaotic time is difficult but not impossible. It does, however, require a conscious effort and daily work.
First, Let's Understand What Grief Really Is
Before we can talk about moving forward, it’s important to sit with what grief actually is. It’s more than just sadness; it’s a complex, full-body experience that shows up differently for everyone. Understanding its nature is the first step toward learning how to carry it. Grief isn’t something you simply “get over,” but rather something you learn to integrate into your life. It’s a testament to the love you shared, and acknowledging its weight and its nuances gives you the power to work with it, not against it.
It's Okay That This Feels Like Hard Work
If you feel exhausted, you’re not alone. Grieving is an active process that demands a lot of emotional and mental energy. It’s not just about missing the person or pet you lost; it’s also about mourning the future you had planned and the dreams you shared with them. This process of confronting your new reality and allowing yourself to express your thoughts and feelings is a crucial part of healing. Acknowledging that this is hard work can be validating in itself. It gives you permission to be tired and to take things one day at a time as you process the loss.
The Physical and Emotional Toll of Grieving
Grief doesn’t just live in your head; it can take a significant physical toll, too. You might experience everything from fatigue and sleeplessness to changes in appetite. Emotionally, the experience can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment you might feel numb, and the next you could be hit by a sudden wave of anger, guilt, or even relief. According to VITAS Healthcare, it's normal to expect many different emotions, and none of them are wrong. Recognizing that these physical and emotional responses are a normal part of the grieving process can help you feel less alone in your experience.
There's No 'Right' Way to Feel
It’s easy to get caught up in what you think you *should* be feeling or how you *should* be acting. But the truth is, there is no instruction manual for grief. Your journey is yours alone, and it won’t look like anyone else’s. There is no correct timeline and no single “right” way to feel after a loss. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. The most important thing you can do is give yourself grace and allow your feelings to exist without judgment. This self-compassion is a foundational part of learning to live with your loss.
Validating Your Full Range of Emotions
Allowing yourself to feel whatever comes up is essential. If you feel angry, let yourself be angry. If you feel a moment of peace or even happiness, don’t let guilt creep in and tell you it’s wrong. Every emotion is valid and serves a purpose in your healing. Suppressing certain feelings because they seem inappropriate or uncomfortable only delays the process. By validating your entire emotional spectrum, you are honoring the complexity of your relationship and the depth of your love. This acceptance is what allows you to eventually find a new sense of balance.
What Does a 'New Normal' Look Like?
By definition, normal is familiar, typical, or expected. But when we lose someone we love dearly, their absence in our lives can turn “normal” on its head.
How can we expect to go on with “normal” if our anchor in life is no longer with us?
When our normal routine is abruptly disrupted, we’re left with a choice. Either we try to hold on to the old normal, refusing to accept the changes thrust upon us, or we create a new one, as weird and scary as it may be to start.
In many ways, attempting to embrace a “new normal” can feel anything but “normal.” However, over time, as we learn to live with the grief and slowly invite joy and meaning back into our lives, we can use our new normal to honor and celebrate our loved one’s life.
We can’t rewind time to go back to life with our loved one or furry companion, but we can learn from what they taught us and celebrate their life and legacy every day moving forward.
Slowly, we can find rituals and routines that help us carry on our loved one’s legacy and honor their impact on our lives. And we can use every step forward as a way to celebrate their remarkable life.
After all, your loved one doesn’t have a choice in the matter, but you do. You can make a conscious choice to turn towards the pain, feel the feelings, find peace in letting go, and prioritize your self-care as you navigate this difficult chapter, honoring the life your loved one lived through the actions you take moving forward.
Grieving More Than Just a Person
When you lose someone, the emptiness they leave behind is immense. But the grief you feel is often for more than just their physical absence. It’s a complex, layered experience because you didn’t just lose a person; you lost all the roles they played in your life and the parts of yourself that were connected to them. You lost your confidant, your travel buddy, your biggest cheerleader, or the one person who truly understood your sense of humor. Acknowledging these multiple losses is a critical step in understanding the depth of your grief and giving yourself the grace to feel it all.
Understanding Secondary Losses
Experts refer to these as “secondary losses.” These are the indirect results of the primary loss and can include the loss of shared experiences, financial security, or even your own sense of identity. If you were a caregiver, you’ve lost that role. If you were a spouse, your identity as a partner has fundamentally changed. Grieving these secondary losses is just as valid and necessary as mourning the person themselves. They represent the tangible, everyday ways your world has been altered, and it’s important to recognize and honor the pain associated with each one.
Letting Go of the Future You Imagined
One of the most painful secondary losses is the future you had planned together. You aren’t just mourning the past; you’re mourning all the tomorrows that will never happen—the trips, the milestones, the quiet moments you assumed you’d have. This can feel incredibly disorienting, and it's okay to feel angry and sad about it. Allowing yourself to process these emotions is a vital part of healing. Letting go of that imagined future doesn’t mean you’re letting go of them. It’s about slowly building a new future that honors their memory. Finding ways to carry their light with you, whether through new traditions or a tangible reminder like a memorial diamond, can help bridge the gap between the future you lost and the one you are now building, ensuring their legacy continues.
9 Gentle Ways to Move Forward After a Loved One Dies
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
As you begin thinking about a new normal to honor and celebrate your loved one, keep in mind that a new normal may include taking time for yourself to feel all the complex emotions that come with grief. Be gentle with yourself as you express your feelings, no matter what they may be, and be sure to go at your own pace.
If you need some assistance in expressing your emotions, consider watching a sad movie or listening to Eterneva’s Feel Your Feels playlist to encourage the feelings to pour out.
And if you need an additional reason to feel it all, remember that there is real science behind it:
“Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.”
Leo Newhouse, Harvard Health
Recognizing How Your Loss is Different
Your grief is yours alone because the relationship you shared with your loved one was entirely unique. No one else experienced them in the exact same way you did, so it’s only natural that your loss will feel different from anyone else’s. There is no single “right” way to grieve, and there’s certainly no timeline you need to follow. Your journey is your own. You might feel a mix of emotions that seem confusing or contradictory—sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief. It's normal to have sudden waves of pain, and it’s crucial to remember that all of these feelings are valid. Allowing yourself to experience your grief without judgment is a key part of the healing process, so let go of any expectations about how you *should* be feeling and simply honor how you *are* feeling in the moment.
How to Let Go of the Pain, Not the Memory
When someone we love passes, it’s common to want to hold on as tightly as possible. We want to hold on to the love we shared with them, the memories, their touch. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Give yourself permission to honor their life. Finding peace in letting go of what “normal” once was so that you can find unique ways to carry on their legacy will open up possibilities that you may not yet know exist. They’re gone from this world, but you’re not. So rather than become immersed in the past, consider asking yourself, “How would they want me to live on without them?”
Finding Peace with Unfinished Business
Sometimes, the heaviest part of grief isn’t the loss itself, but the things left unfinished—the words unsaid, the apologies not made, the future plans that vanished. It’s natural to replay these moments and feel a mix of regret and deep sadness. Remember that your grief journey is incredibly personal, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about these loose ends. Allowing yourself to sit with these feelings of confusion and sadness is the first step toward finding peace with them.
You can’t change the past, but you can change your relationship with it. Finding a way to express those lingering thoughts can be incredibly freeing. Try writing a letter to your loved one, pouring out everything you wish you could have said. Or, speak to them out loud when you’re alone. The goal isn’t to get a response, but to release the words from your heart. This can help transform the pain of what’s unfinished into a continued conversation, allowing you to carry their memory forward with love instead of regret.
Make Your Well-Being a Priority
Grief does a number on us. When we have a loved one that takes up a big part of our hearts, losing them can feel like we’re losing a piece of ourselves. Sometimes, loss can even feel like a heart attack or a panic attack.
Feeling it all can be exhausting. That’s why it’s essential to take some time to turn inward and focus on healing our broken hearts. Consciously prioritize self-care. The effects of grief can be overwhelming, so it’s critical that you schedule time on your calendar to love yourself, relax your body and mind, and seek peace.
Press Pause on Major Life Decisions
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, it’s common to feel an overwhelming urge to change everything—sell the house, quit your job, move across the country. It can feel like a way to escape the pain. But if there’s one piece of advice I can offer, it’s this: wait. Grief is an all-consuming state that deeply affects your mind, body, and spirit. As VITAS Healthcare notes, it's a time when you might feel confused and sad, which can cloud your judgment. Making irreversible decisions from this place can lead to regret down the road. Give yourself the grace of time before making any choices that will fundamentally alter your life.
This pause extends to decisions about how you want to memorialize your loved one. There is no rush to decide what to do with their ashes or how to best honor their memory. Finding the perfect way to celebrate their life is a deeply personal choice that deserves clear-headed reflection, not a hasty reaction. Most experts suggest waiting at least six months to a year before making major changes. This isn't about putting your life on hold; it's about protecting your future self. By waiting for the initial, intense fog of grief to lift, you can make choices that truly honor both your loved one's legacy and your own path forward.
How to Move Forward, Not Just Move On
When we’re left reflecting on the life of someone remarkable who played a significant role in our world, it can be difficult to think about a future without them. But what if we don’t have to leave them behind? What if we include them in how we decide to move forward?
Set an intention. Write down the best qualities your loved one embodied. Then, choose one or two of these qualities to focus on in your own life. Reminding yourself daily of what made your loved one so special can help you carry their positivity and wonderful traits and put them out into the world, continuing their legacy.
Use Your Breath to Calm Anxious Moments
When we’re struggling with anxiety, our minds often search for answers. “Why?”... “Why did this happen?”... “Why am I alone?”... “What am I going to do?”
Unfortunately, this quest for logic and reason often leaves us with negative thoughts that can do more harm than good. So, next time you find yourself going down the “Why?” rabbit hole to understand your loved one’s passing, consider replacing this question with a deep inhale and exhale to calm your mind and body.
This way, you turn your quest for meaning into a feeling in your body.
“Allow yourself to stay unbiased and curious about what your body is experiencing before you make up any stories or meaning. A simple “Hmmmm” is a great place to start.” says Ingridy Helander, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Trust Your Gut—It Knows What You Need
Whether you’re new to meditation or you’ve been meditating for years, setting aside some time daily to tune into your intuition, even if it’s just five minutes, can help ground you in the present moment and open you up to all of the beautiful opportunities life has to offer.
The more in touch we are with ourselves, the easier it is to connect with those around us from an authentic place. And cultivating these genuine connections can help inspire us to live fully, even when our grief is present.
Consider some guided meditations on a free app like InsightTimer to help encourage more time spent feeling your body and tuning into what your body, mind, and soul need in the present moment. And if you’re not quite ready to listen to words from someone else in a guided meditation, consider this sound therapy playlist.
Find Your People (and Let Them Help)
While your grief is extremely personal, remember that you do not have to go through this journey alone.
Reach out to close family or friends who will make you feel heard and understood. Or attend a local community yoga class or grief share group to speak with those who may be able to offer advice and insights. Support systems will look different for everyone, but it is important to seek connections where you feel comfortable expressing yourself.
Remember that seeking positive support can also include reducing or eliminating relationships in your life that are not positive and supportive. It is vital to surround yourself with those who can hold space, be gentle, and respect your feelings and boundaries.
While support can look like many different things in practice, the feeling you get from the support is what matters most. Are you around people who make you feel heard, less alone, or comforted? Great! If not, consider something different by going on a grief retreat or finding a grief therapist to help support you along your journey.
At first, positive support may be hard to accept. Give yourself some grace and start slowly. Maybe one phone call to a dear friend to start. Or a text to a supportive family member, letting them in on your journey. As you begin to open up, you can expand your circle.
It's Okay to Avoid Unhelpful Advice
When you’re grieving, it can feel like everyone has an opinion on how you should be feeling or what you should be doing. While often well-intentioned, unsolicited advice can be more hurtful than helpful. It’s important to remember that you have the right to protect your peace. You don’t have to listen to people who judge your process or offer platitudes that fall flat. You are in charge of your healing journey, and it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries. This might mean telling someone, “I appreciate you trying to help, but I’m not looking for advice right now,” or simply limiting your time with people who drain your energy. You have every right to keep your grief private or share it only with those who make you feel safe and understood.
How to Help Your Support System Help You
The people who love you want to be there for you, but they often don’t know how. They might feel awkward or afraid of saying the wrong thing, which can lead to them saying nothing at all. You can guide them by being specific about your needs. Instead of a generic “I’m okay,” try being honest. You could say, “I’m having a really hard day and could use some company,” or “It would be a huge help if someone could walk the dog.” By communicating clearly, you give your support system a tangible way to show they care. This is also an act of self-care; you’re prioritizing your own well-being by asking for what you need to get through the day. It’s not a burden—it’s a bridge that allows others to meet you where you are.
Honor Their Memory and Stay Connected
Often, when we experience loss, we have the urge to disconnect and hide in our metaphorical (or sometimes literal) caves. While spending time alone and reflecting can be positive, too much of anything can be harmful. So, the next time you feel isolated, add something to your schedule that helps you feel connected.
Connection can come in many forms. Maybe it’s with people, music, animals, plants, or nature. If you’re having a hard time thinking about what connection looks like to you, take some time to answer the following questions:
- What did my loved one and I enjoy doing together?
- Is there a way I can still do this in their honor?
- What makes me feel alive?
- What makes me feel in flow with the world around me?
- What did I enjoy doing as a child?
- Who do I enjoy spending my time with?
Keep a list of ideas to stay connected, and the next time you’re looking for a way to honor your loved one, or if you’re having a low day, turn to this list to find something that will help you not feel so alone.
Looking for Signs They're Still Near
When you’re missing someone fiercely, it’s natural to search for signs that they’re still around. Many people find comfort in small, unexplainable moments that feel like a message from their loved one. You might suddenly catch the scent of their signature perfume in an empty room, or hear a song on the radio that was special to you both right when you need it most. These experiences can feel like a gentle reassurance that the bond you share continues, even after they’re gone.
Some of the most profound connections happen in our dreams. A dream visit can feel incredibly real and vivid, offering a chance to have one more conversation or receive a comforting hug. Others report feeling a sudden shift in a room’s energy, as if someone just sat down beside them. According to some spiritual beliefs, these are ways our loved ones show they are near and watching over us. Whether you see a cardinal land on your windowsill or find a dime in your path, these signs can feel like a personal nod from the universe, reminding you that you’re not alone.
Ultimately, what matters most is the meaning these moments hold for you. They are personal reassurances that the love you shared is still a part of your life. Finding unique ways to carry on their legacy helps keep that connection strong. While these signs offer spiritual comfort, having a tangible reminder can be just as powerful. Creating a beautiful, wearable memorial, like a memorial diamond from their ashes, allows you to hold their memory close every single day, turning a piece of their story into a part of yours.
Create New Rituals and Traditions
The rituals we shared with our loved ones can be some of the things we miss the most. While it’s great if you want to continue these rituals, it’s also okay to initiate new habits that help you heal AND honor your loved one.
New rituals may not always feel easy at first, so remember to be gentle with yourself. If you choose to start a daily walk to honor your loved one, don’t be surprised if there are days you spend the walk crying your eyes out. It’s okay. Just remember to breathe through the discomfort of a new healthy ritual, and know that doing something for yourself is a way of celebrating their remarkable life.
If you want some ideas to try, consider these:
- Walk daily to connect with and maybe even talk to your loved one
- Cook a home-cooked meal once a week
- Go to their favorite park when you miss them
- Get outside at sunrise and/or sunset
- Cheers to their life as you drink a glass of water every morning
- Stop to smell the flowers on their behalf
- Set aside time to write down what you learn every week
- Write three things you’re grateful for every day
- Meditate every day
- Volunteer every week
- Grow and nurture a garden
- Commit to and spend time every week on a new hobby
- Write to your loved one on their birthday
- Buy yourself flowers or a special gift for your birthday
- Journal your progress every day, week, month, or year
As you try these new rituals, consider how they make you feel and keep the ones that work for you. Spend more time doing the things that feel right and honor your loved one and less on things that bring you down and make you feel isolated.
Getting Through Holidays and Anniversaries
The first birthday, holiday, or anniversary after a loss can feel like a mountain you’re forced to climb. Sometimes, the anticipation and anxiety leading up to the day can feel even more overwhelming than the day itself. It’s completely normal to dread these milestones and to feel unsure about how to act or what to do. Give yourself grace and know that there is no right or wrong way to feel. The goal isn’t to erase the pain but to find gentle ways to carry their memory with you through these significant moments, transforming a day of potential pain into one of purposeful remembrance.
Instead of trying to replicate past traditions that might now feel hollow or painful, consider creating new rituals that honor their life in a way that feels right for you now. This doesn’t mean forgetting the old ways; it means adapting. Maybe you visit their favorite park instead of hosting a big family dinner, or you start a new tradition of volunteering for a cause they cared about. For many, having a tangible object to focus on can help. Wearing a piece of jewelry, like a memorial diamond made in their honor, can be a quiet, personal way to keep them close and make them part of the day’s new tradition.
Helping Children Understand Loss
Explaining death to a child is one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. Children process loss differently than adults, and their understanding of its permanence depends heavily on their age and development. They might ask blunt questions at unexpected times or cycle through a range of emotions, from deep sadness to seeming indifference. It’s important to remember that their grief doesn’t follow a predictable path, and these reactions are a normal part of how they make sense of a world that has suddenly changed. Your role isn't to have all the answers, but to provide a safe and consistent presence as they work through their feelings at their own pace.
The goal is not to shield children from the pain of loss, but to guide them through it with honesty and compassion. Creating an environment where they feel safe to express their confusion, fear, or sadness is key to helping them heal in a healthy way. This means being patient, listening more than you speak, and validating whatever they’re feeling without judgment. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There are incredible organizations dedicated to helping families through these tough times. The National Alliance for Children’s Grief offers valuable education and resources for anyone supporting a grieving child or teen.
How to Talk to Your Children About Death
When discussing death with children, be direct and use simple, honest language. Avoid confusing euphemisms like “went to sleep,” and instead explain that the person’s body stopped working. Reassure them that all their feelings are valid, and don’t be afraid to share your own sadness—this models healthy grieving. Maintaining familiar routines can provide security during an uncertain time. It’s also wise to inform their school, as the Child Mind Institute explains that children will deal with a significant loss throughout the year and may need ongoing support.
Involving your child in memorializing their loved one can be a deeply healing experience. You could create a memory box filled with photos and keepsakes, share favorite stories, or plant a tree together in their honor. These actions help them feel connected and provide a positive outlet for their grief. If you need more ideas, organizations like the Dougy Center offer excellent resources and activities designed specifically for kids. The most important thing is to create a safe space for them to ask questions and express themselves, letting them know you’re always there to listen.
A Final Reminder: You're Not Alone
Sometimes, one step forward in your journey can feel like two steps back, and sometimes, we need to lean on others for support. Creating a new normal when you’ve lost someone you care about can be scary and intimidating, even impossible. But you can do it. Take things one day at a time, practice self-care, use your support system, and put one foot in front of the other.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long is this supposed to hurt? There is no timeline for grief, and anyone who suggests there is simply doesn't understand. Your journey is completely unique to you and the special relationship you shared. Instead of watching the calendar, try to give yourself grace. Some days will feel heavier than others, and that’s a normal part of the process. The goal isn’t to stop hurting, but to learn how to carry the love for that person with you as you build a new life.
Is it okay to have moments of happiness? I feel so guilty when I laugh. Feeling a moment of joy or peace doesn't mean you've forgotten your loved one or that you love them any less. Grief is a complex experience that includes a full spectrum of emotions, and happiness can exist right alongside sadness. Allowing yourself to feel joy is not a betrayal; it's a necessary part of your own healing and a testament to the life you are continuing to live.
What’s the real difference between “moving on” and “moving forward”? "Moving on" suggests leaving your loved one in the past, like closing a book and putting it on a shelf. "Moving forward" is about carrying their story with you into the next chapter of your life. It means you integrate their memory, their lessons, and their love into who you are today. You aren't leaving them behind; you are finding ways to ensure their legacy continues through you.
My friends want to help, but I don’t know what to ask for. What should I do? People who care about you genuinely want to be there, but they often don't know how. The best thing you can do is be specific and direct about your needs, even if they feel small. Instead of saying "I'm fine," try something like, "I'm having a tough day and could really use a distraction," or "It would be a huge help if you could drop off dinner tonight." This gives them a clear, tangible way to support you and takes the guesswork out of it for everyone.
What are some simple first steps for creating a “new normal” when I feel too overwhelmed to do anything? Start small, with something that feels manageable and gentle. You don't have to rebuild your entire life overnight. A good first step could be creating one new, simple ritual that honors your loved one. This might be drinking your morning coffee from their favorite mug, taking a short walk in a park they loved, or writing down one happy memory before bed. These small acts can help you feel connected to them while also creating a new, gentle rhythm for your days.
Key Takeaways
- Grief is a part of you, not an obstacle: Shift your focus from "getting over" your loss to learning how to carry it. Your feelings are valid, whether it's sadness, anger, or even relief, so allow yourself to experience them without judgment as you process your new reality.
- Move forward with them, not on from them: Build a new future that intentionally includes your loved one's memory. You can do this by creating new traditions that honor them, embodying their best qualities in your own life, and finding unique ways to celebrate their lasting impact.
- Protect your peace and be specific with your needs: Grieving is exhausting, so make your well-being a priority by pausing major life decisions and practicing self-care. When you're ready, lean on your support system by telling them exactly how they can help; clear requests make it easier for them to show up for you.
