Losing someone you love is incredibly hard. As you navigate the grieving process, you're often faced with immediate, overwhelming tasks. Writing an obituary is one of the first. It's a heavy responsibility, especially while you're still learning how to do life after someone’s passing. This guide is here to make it easier. We'll walk you through all the necessary obituary information and show you how to write an obituary that beautifully honors their memory. Let's create a tribute that lasts.
One of the challenging aspects of someone passing away is typically found in the hustle and chaos of formalities that come after. Not only do loved ones have to process the deeply emotional impacts of death but they also have to think about funeral expenses, service times, and receptions. In the midst of all of this, the task of writing an obituary is awarded to a loved one and it marks the first step in commemorating the life of the one who passed on.
This first step of remembering and commemorating serves a multitude of purposes both personal and simply practical. It is an odd mixture of both the formal and the personal. Something that is important for those who loved the recently departed, and yet at the same time it holds a societal function providing important information to the general public.
So what is an obituary? Why do we write them and what do you need to know about this important practice so you can be sure that you write an obituary you are proud of?
What Is an Obituary?
An obituary, historically, has been a way of allowing the greater community that an individual lived in to know of their passing. This piece of important information has been historically published in platforms like a newspaper or daily journal.
More recently, obituaries are shared through online platforms such as online news, social media, or even funeral home websites. The historic function of an obituary was always to serve a functional purpose in allowing others to know important details about the deceased and how they can show their respects.
This included information such as specific identification of the deceased along with information regarding when certain services were taking place such as burial, internment, and graveside services—it served as a death announcement.
This allowed the family to have a public platform to share this information in a formal way.
More Than a Notice: An Obituary Celebrates a Life
While the functional aspect of an obituary remains, its heart has evolved. Today, an obituary is much more than a formal announcement; it's a special way to honor someone's life. Think of it as the first story told about their legacy, a tribute that goes beyond dates and names. The best ones capture the unique spark of the person—their humor, their passions, and what made them special. It’s a chance to paint a picture, a "well-focused snapshot" that gives readers a true sense of who they were. This shift turns a somber task into a beautiful act of remembrance, the first step in a journey of celebrating a remarkable individual and ensuring their story is never forgotten.
How Have Obituaries Changed Over Time?
As time has moved on and society has changed, so has the way that obituaries are presented to the public. The core reason behind an obituary has largely stayed the same. It still serves as notice of death however certain elements have taken on a more personalized and intimate tone.
While at one point in time it was normal for an obituary to hold very little personal information about the deceased, now an obituary can have a more warmer and personal tone. This is largely due to the access to publishing that historic obituaries had.
For instance, before the advent of the internet and social platforms like social media, a community may only have had one form of mass communication in the form of a local newspaper. This translated to a certain necessity for brevity and formality.
Traditionally, obituary templates had these four basic elements:
- Introduction
- Surviving relatives
- Memorial service information
- Optional information (cause of death)
These brief messages carried only the amount of information necessary to fulfill the social aspects of a person’s death within a community. However, over time the ability to share more information and further from a cold, impersonal tone has allowed for communities to share a more personal and intimate form of obituaries. These obituary examples can now include a loved one's hobbies, passions, and even mentions of beloved pets.
For instance, as the ability to share an obituary online or through social media became prevalent, families were given greater ability to handcraft these special messages. The purpose of the obituary stayed the same as it is the main method of public communication from the family to the general population of a community. However, it can now function as a celebration of life for the deceased, almost like a published eulogy praising their achievements, their wit, or their charitable affiliations.
The Benefit of a More Intimate Obituary
As times changed and families and loved ones were able to take more freedoms when creating an obituary, it became a space where survivors could begin to truly start processing parts of their loved one’s life during this time of grief in a healthy and positive manner.
Whereas before an obituary was bare-bones and only provided practical information, now it can act as a powerful tool in the process of commemoration and memorializing the deceased. This also bought a much more human, and loving element to the process of community awareness. A large change happened in the history obituary writing after the terrorist attacks of 9/11.
These horrific events shook an entire nation and a lot of ways impacted and shaped an entire generation. With such a devastating attack taking a naturally deep effect on the country, obituaries actually became a form of healing. The city of New York published obituaries for all of the victims of this attack and shared the very human side of these victims through their obituaries.
This was one of the first times that, largely, obituaries took on a much more personal, human tone. Obituaries furthered their journey from simply functional information, pertinent to a community, into the territory of being a part of the emotion and commemoration of memorialization of the deceased and their essence.
How To Write an Obituary
Now that there has been somewhat of a foundation for not only what an obituary is and where it came from, but also what it can be, it’s time to look at how to write one. The first thing to really do when writing an obituary is breathe. Writing an obituary can seem overwhelming and it is very normal to feel intimidated by such a task.
1. Take a Deep Breath
Several factors can contribute to making writing an obituary seem overwhelming. For instance, there is a deadline associated with an obituary. The funeral service itself is a rather large ordeal and can take a lot of energy and have a particular strain on loved ones, so writing an obituary can feel like a burden. Recognize that and take a deep breath, give yourself space, and set an intention to be happy with your best efforts.
The most important thing is that you are doing something thoughtful, important, and necessary for the person who passed. Celebrate the deceased's life and trust your instincts. Don’t allow your mind to make the task harder than it is and don’t be afraid to reach out for help to their siblings, cousins, or even nieces and nephews if you need help.
Get the Fundamentals Down
An obituary serves a very practical function so it can help to focus on getting this out of the way. This not only will help you to view the task as something you can accomplish but create a backbone or a template for you to put your thoughts into place.
If you feel overwhelmed, start by putting in the information that is needed:
- Full name and date of birth
- Survived by
- Date of death
- Cause of death and place of death
- Funeral details for the community
This may also be a good place to ask for charitable donations in lieu of flowers if those were your loved one's wishes. Additional details such as their place of birth, places of residence, and ancestral information such as the names of their parents and grandparents may also be relevant here.
Once you have structured this and put it on paper you can start to see not only a light at the end of the tunnel but a construct to develop a deeper, more intimate message regarding this special person's life.
Listing Family Members
This section is where you honor the people who were closest to your loved one. It’s customary to start with their immediate family who are still living, like a spouse, children, parents, and siblings. You can then include grandchildren and other important people in their life. Don't feel like you have to stick to a strict family tree; this is a space to recognize anyone who was truly special to them. Think about including nieces, nephews, lifelong friends, dedicated caregivers, or even a beloved family pet. The goal is to paint a picture of their inner circle and acknowledge the people who shared their life and love.
Sharing Service Information
Here, you’ll provide the practical details for friends and community members who wish to pay their respects. Clearly state the type of service being held, whether it's a visitation, funeral, burial, or memorial gathering. Be sure to include the full date, time, and specific location for each event. It’s also helpful to name the funeral home that is handling the arrangements. This information ensures that everyone who wants to attend has what they need to be there and show their support for your family during this difficult time.
Making It Personal
With the practical aspects of the obituary down, now comes the question of whether or not you will add personal notes. Realize that this is not necessary to what an obituary is, however it can be a great tool in helping to commemorate and memorize your loved one.
An obituary also does not have to be of a particular length; however, it is often better if the piece is shorter in nature. So this can help to narrow down what aspects of your loved one you would like to share.
Some direction here would be to focus on what personal qualities you would like the community to know. For instance, one easy-to-use and very common part of obituaries is a biography. If you want to make the obituary more formal, then simply adding the ‘survived by’ section along with a comment about how long they had resided in their community could suffice.
If however, you feel that there is a benefit to sharing more, pick some aspect of your loved one that can be stated succinctly and warmly. You can mention nicknames, milestones, important events, or fond remembrances of their sense of humor and warmth. These insights will be cherished not only by their surviving loved ones but by generations of great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren to come.
In Conclusion
The most important aspect of an obituary is that you have no regrets about it. Whether that is a short, succinct obituary that gives practical information or a longer more personal one. Give yourself the time and the space if possible to make sure you feel comfortable and at peace with the writing.
Source
How Obituaries Went From Dry Death Notices to Tributes to Truth | howstuffworks.com
How To Write An Obituary – A Step-by-Step Guide | rememberanceprocess.org
What is grief? | mayoclinic.org
Include a Cherished Photo
A picture truly is worth a thousand words, and including one with the obituary helps connect the community with the person you’re honoring. When selecting a photo, aim for a clear image of their face where they look happy and like themselves. It can be a recent picture or a favorite from their younger years. Many people choose to avoid photos taken during a period of illness, preferring to remember their loved one as they were in health. The goal is to share an image that captures their spirit and brings a warm memory to mind for those who knew them.
Share Their Life Story
This is the heart of the obituary, where you get to paint a picture of the life they lived. Go beyond the basic facts and share the narrative that made them unique. You can start with their birth date and place, then walk through their life’s journey: where they grew up, their education, their career path, and any military service. Don’t forget to include the things that brought them joy, like their hobbies, passions, and special talents. Mentioning their proudest achievements or memberships in clubs or groups adds another layer of depth, creating a rich tribute that truly celebrates who they were.
Add Personal Anecdotes and Impact
To make the obituary feel truly personal, weave in small stories and details that showcase their personality. Think about the little things that made them special—a funny habit, a favorite saying, or the story of how they met their spouse. These anecdotes bring your loved one to life on the page and give readers a genuine sense of who they were. This is your chance to share their warmth, their humor, and their values. These are the stories that become a part of their legacy, the memories we hold onto as we find ways to honor and remember them in our own lives.
The Writing and Publishing Process
Once you’ve gathered your thoughts and stories, the next step is to handle the logistics of getting the obituary published. This involves a few practical steps, from collaborating with family to proofreading the final draft. Taking the time to manage this process carefully ensures the final tribute is accurate, respectful, and free of errors. It’s a final act of service for your loved one, and getting the details right provides peace of mind during a difficult time. Here’s a simple breakdown of the steps involved in writing and publishing the obituary.
Gathering Information with Family
You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, it’s often better to involve close family and friends in the process. Grief can make it difficult to recall specific dates or details, and others can help fill in the gaps. Sharing stories and memories together can also be a comforting experience, allowing you to connect and support one another. Reach out to siblings, children, or lifelong friends to help you remember important milestones, funny stories, and key details. This collaborative effort ensures the obituary is a well-rounded reflection of their life, as seen through the eyes of all who loved them.
Checking Newspaper Requirements
Before you finalize the obituary, it’s a good idea to check the requirements of the newspaper or online platform where you plan to publish it. Many publications have specific guidelines for length, format, and tone. Take a look at other obituaries in your local paper to get a feel for their style. Some newspapers may charge by the word or line, so understanding their pricing structure can help you stay within budget. A quick call or visit to the newspaper’s website can provide you with all the information you need to ensure your submission meets their standards.
Proofreading and Final Review
After pouring your heart into writing the obituary, the last thing you want is a typo or grammatical error. Read through your draft carefully, checking for any mistakes in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It’s also incredibly helpful to have someone else review it. A fresh pair of eyes can often catch small errors you might have missed, especially when you’re emotionally close to the content. Ask a trusted family member or friend to read it over to ensure all names are spelled correctly and all dates are accurate before you submit it.
Submitting the Obituary
When you’re ready to submit the obituary, find out the newspaper’s preferred method—many now use online submission forms or email. Be sure to ask about their deadline to ensure it gets published in time for the service. It’s also wise to request a “proof,” which is a preview of how the obituary will look before it’s printed. This gives you one last chance to review everything and catch any formatting issues or errors. Confirming these details will help make the submission process smooth and stress-free.
What to Do After Publication
Once the obituary is published, take a moment to read the final version in the newspaper or online. Even with careful proofing, mistakes can sometimes happen during the publishing process. If you notice any significant errors, especially with names, dates, or funeral service details, don't hesitate to contact the newspaper immediately. Most publications are willing to print a correction to ensure the information is accurate. This final check helps guarantee that your loved one's tribute is presented exactly as you intended.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Writing an obituary is a deeply personal task, and there’s no single “right” way to do it. However, there are a few common pitfalls that are helpful to be aware of. Avoiding these can help you create a tribute that is both a beautiful celebration of life and a clear source of information for the community. From protecting personal data to ensuring service details are easy to find, keeping these points in mind will help you craft a thoughtful and effective obituary that honors your loved one respectfully.
Protecting Personal Information
While you want to share personal details about your loved one’s life, it’s crucial to protect the privacy and security of the surviving family. Avoid including information that could be misused, such as the full home address, the deceased’s exact date of birth (month and day are fine, but omitting the year is a common practice), or personal phone numbers and email addresses. Sharing the city of residence is fine, but leave out the street address. This simple precaution helps safeguard the family from potential identity theft or unwanted contact during a vulnerable time.
Writing with Clarity and Respect
An obituary serves two purposes: to honor a life and to provide practical information. It’s important that the details about the memorial service are clear and easy for people to find. While sharing stories is wonderful, make sure the core information isn’t buried in overly poetic language. Use a respectful and direct tone. The main goal is to celebrate their life while ensuring that friends and community members know how and when they can pay their respects. A well-written obituary balances heartfelt sentiment with clear, helpful information.
Honoring Their Wishes for Donations
If your loved one was passionate about a particular cause or charity, the obituary is a perfect place to honor that. Many families now request that people make donations to a chosen organization in lieu of sending flowers. This can be a meaningful way to extend your loved one’s legacy of giving. Simply include a sentence like, “In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to [Charity Name].” Be sure to provide the charity’s website or mailing address to make it easy for people to contribute.
How to Find an Obituary
Whether you’re a genealogist tracing your family tree or someone who has lost touch with an old friend, finding an obituary can provide important information and a sense of closure. In the past, this meant searching through stacks of local newspapers. Today, the process is much simpler thanks to a variety of online resources. From dedicated obituary websites to funeral home archives, there are several avenues you can explore to locate a death notice. Knowing where to look can make your search quicker and more effective, helping you find the information you need.
Search Online Obituary Websites
A great starting point for your search is one of the large online obituary databases. Websites like Legacy.com, Tributes.com, and Dignity Memorial collect death announcements from thousands of newspapers and funeral homes across the country. These platforms are often user-friendly, allowing you to search by name, location, and date. Many of these sites also host a permanent online guestbook where friends and family can share memories and condolences, creating a lasting digital tribute. These comprehensive databases are often the quickest way to find a recent obituary.
Check Funeral Home and Local News Sites
If you know the city or town where the person lived, checking the websites of local funeral homes is another effective strategy. Most funeral homes post obituaries for the services they handle, often with details about the memorial and a space for online condolences. Similarly, the local newspaper’s website is a primary source for obituaries in that community. Even if the person passed away some time ago, many newspapers maintain digital archives that you can search to find older death notices that may not appear on larger national sites.
Use Genealogy and Public Record Archives
For obituaries that are older or harder to find, genealogy websites can be an invaluable resource. Services like GenealogyBank have extensive archives of historical newspapers from across the United States, making it possible to find death notices from decades or even a century ago. These platforms are designed for deep historical research and can help you uncover not just obituaries but also other public records that can help you piece together a person’s life story. This is an excellent option for anyone working on family history projects or searching for a long-lost relative.
Tips for an Effective Search
When searching for an obituary, it helps to be persistent and creative. Don't limit your search to just one location. People often move during their lifetimes, so check newspapers and funeral homes in different cities or states where your loved one or their family members may have lived. Try searching with different variations of their name, such as a full middle name, an initial, or a nickname. The more information you can start with, the better, but even a name and a general location can often be enough to get you started.
How to Confirm if Someone Has Passed Away
Hearing that someone may have passed away can be unsettling, especially if the news comes through indirect channels. If you need to confirm whether someone has died but don’t feel comfortable asking the family directly, there are several respectful ways to find out. This can be a delicate situation, and approaching it with sensitivity is key. Using public resources and mutual connections can help you get the information you need without intruding on a family’s privacy during a difficult time. Here are a few methods you can use to gently confirm the news.
Check Social Media Channels
In many cases, social media has become a primary place for sharing important life updates. Take a look at the person’s Facebook, Instagram, or other social profiles. Often, family members or close friends will post a tribute or an announcement about their passing. You may also see an outpouring of condolences and memories from others on their page. This can be one of the most immediate and direct ways to confirm the news, as these posts are typically shared by those closest to the individual and serve as a public announcement for their wider circle of friends.
Contact Mutual Friends or Organizations
If you share mutual friends or acquaintances, reaching out to one of them can be a respectful way to inquire. A simple, sensitive message is often all that’s needed. Another option is to contact an organization the person was a part of, such as a church, synagogue, or mosque, a volunteer group, or a professional association. These communities are often among the first to be notified when a member passes away and may be able to confirm the information for you. This approach allows you to get confirmation from a trusted source without directly contacting the grieving family.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does an obituary need to be? There is no single right answer, so let go of any pressure to hit a certain word count. The length often depends on where you plan to publish it. Newspapers sometimes charge by the line, which might encourage a shorter tribute. Online memorials and funeral home websites, however, usually offer unlimited space. Focus on writing a message that feels true to your loved one, whether that takes a few heartfelt paragraphs or a more detailed life story.
What if I can't remember every detail of my loved one's life? Please know that it's completely normal to feel like you can't recall every single fact, especially when you're grieving. An obituary is meant to be a loving snapshot, not an exhaustive biography. Don't hesitate to reach out to other family members and close friends. Sharing stories together can be a beautiful way to remember and will help you create a tribute that feels complete and collaborative.
Do I have to include the cause of death? No, you absolutely do not. This is a deeply personal decision for you and your family. Some people choose to share the cause of death, particularly after a long illness or to bring awareness to a specific condition. Many others prefer to keep that information private. There is no right or wrong choice, so do whatever feels most comfortable and respectful for your loved one and your family.
I'm worried about leaving someone important out of the family list. Who should I include? This is a common concern, and it comes from a place of love. A good approach is to start with the immediate family, such as a surviving spouse, children, parents, and siblings. From there, you can include grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and other close relatives. It's also perfectly acceptable to mention people who were family in spirit, like lifelong best friends, dedicated caregivers, or even a cherished pet. The goal is to honor the key relationships in their life.
Besides the local newspaper, where else can I publish an obituary? Today, you have several options beyond the traditional newspaper. Most funeral homes will post an obituary on their website, which often serves as a permanent online memorial where people can leave condolences. You can also share the obituary or a link to it on social media platforms like Facebook. This allows you to easily inform a wider circle of friends and family who may not see the local paper.
Key Takeaways
- Build the framework with essential facts: To make the process less overwhelming, start by gathering the necessary information like their full name, key dates, surviving relatives, and service details. This creates a solid outline before you add personal stories.
- Tell their story, not just their history: An obituary is a chance to celebrate who they were. Go beyond the basic facts by including personal anecdotes, favorite memories, and unique qualities to paint a warm, genuine picture of their life.
- Finalize the tribute with care and collaboration: Work with family to confirm details, ask a trusted friend to proofread for errors, and check the publication's guidelines before submitting. This ensures the final obituary is accurate and respectful.
