The quiet hours - Home
Trin-Trin.
You were more than a dog to me. I know every dog parent says that and you know what? It’s true.
You were my thunder buddy. My safe place. You made sure I never felt alone, even when I very much was alone in the days of working 14- to 16-hour shifts during the pandemic. For months, I couldn’t even see my son. And as much as that hurt, at least I had you to assuage the pain.
Which made your passing all the more difficult. I keep your ashes in an urn with fresh flowers at the top. The vase and flowers are pretty, but your ashes remain a sad reminder of all the things we could no longer do. Like take long walks in the park or try out all the different things we can balance on your head. So, I had to remedy that. A friend at work mentioned Eterneva, and long story short, I now have a Diamond made from a small portion of your ashes that perfectly represents your sparkling spirit. It’s so beautiful. Your last gift to me.
And it’s you, Trinity. It’s really you. I can see the light of your big-ass smile shining in it. But most of all, I feel your energy. The way you’d lean into me and share your strength. The sense of peace and unconditional love I always felt with you, and I was certain that, no matter what, as long as I had you by my side, everything was going to be okay. I can’t think of one time during our thirteen years together that you weren’t right there—even when you were a puppy and you slept in my backpack during nursing school exams.
A terribly timed gift from an ex-boyfriend and named after the villain in my favorite show, Dexter, you couldn’t have been more opposite. You were such a love, always wearing a goofy grin so wide, it looked like you had a Frisbee stuck in your mouth.
There is no other green stone like yours. And it’s ethically sourced, which matters a lot. This is also the first piece of jewelry I’ve ever bought myself as an adult, which makes it even more special to me. I’m a single mom. An ER nurse. Not that I need to explain anything to you. You know my story. Better than anyone, honestly, which is why it was so scary sending your ashes in. But, after watching that first video and seeing the level of care that Eterneva showed, I felt safe moving forward.
Your Diamond is green—my power color. It makes me feel strong and beautiful and powerful, just like you. Anytime I have to go to court for work and testify, I put on a bright green shirt and your Diamond and God Damn do I feel powerful.
No one wants to experience the pain of losing a pet. We know that in ten or fifteen years (if we’re lucky), we’re going to have to endure unimaginable pain. And yet, it’s still worth it. We choose to love another special being again because of the love we had with the first one.
Enter Moose, a ninety-pound gentle giant. I know you sent him to me. It was a rainy day. I’d finally decided to donate your things to the animal shelter. I was feeling so empty, and suddenly, there was Moose, walking in with a whole bunch of chihuahuas. Logan slipped and fell, and Moose came over and kissed his face. I leaned down to pet him and to help Logan up, and then he did something I’ll never forget: he leaned into me, the same way you did.
He ate all the things after I brought him home, of course. My shoes. My couch. Two dog beds. The only thing he didn’t chew was your bed. He sleeps by it and sometimes I swear I can see you lying there next to him.
I have seen you, in fact. After you passed, I was in a really dark place, so I visited a reiki master. I meditated. And in that practice, I was relaxing on a beach with you. There was calm music, and the water was shushing along the shoreline. It was so peaceful and I recognized it as the beach where we would always go and play fetch.
And I’m not the only one who’s dreamt of you. Mom has, too. She shared with me that in her dream, she was sitting under a tree when you came and sat next to her. You leaned into her, like you always did with me. And you spoke like a person. You said, “Tell my mom that I’m okay, and please tell her Thank You for how she let me go because I don’t hurt anymore.”
I had a really hard time letting you go, Trin. But even though you had cancer, you held on for a really long time for me.
You also told her, “Thank her for the chocolate shake. It was delicious.”
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We really did have the best and worst last day, didn’t we, Trin? We went to In-and-Out Burger and got a chocolate shake. Then we went to the park where you barked at some ducks. We rolled the windows down and listened to music. It was hard. Before you came into my life, I never would have been able to do something as hard as saying goodbye to you. But I’ve grown a lot in our thirteen years together.
“Thank you for singing to me as I fell asleep.”
As you passed, I sang “You are my sunshine” to you, which is why "My Sunshine" is engraved into your Diamond.
“Tell my mom I love to play with all the other dogs. I play the most with Lola.”
Lola was a dog I had when I was a teenager. You never met her while she was alive, but I’m so glad you’re friends with her now.
And finally, you said, “Okay, I have to go now. Tell my mom I love her.”
The day my mom told me about how you visited her in a dream was the day your Diamond came home. It’s set in a beautiful pendant, surrounded by smaller white stones and suspended by a braided yellow- and white-gold chain. It’s absolutely stunning. I wanted something feminine and dainty that I can wear all the time, and I do, Trin. I wear your Diamond every day. When I’m nervous or scared or happy, I’ll caress your Diamond and your energy is so strong, so vibrant, it’s as if you’re sitting right next to me.
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I miss you, my sweet girl. As difficult as navigating this next chapter has been, it’s also been enlightening, and in this darkness I discovered a learning so remarkably bright and profound, which is that love never dies. This grief that I’ve been feeling is a reflection of how strong my love is—and will always be—for you. The grief has to hurt as powerfully as the love hit you. And yours hit me hard, Trinity.
You showed me I was worthy of love. And for that, I’ll be forever grateful. Say hi to Lola for me and don’t be a stranger. You can show up in my dreams anytime. I’ll always welcome you with open arms.
Love,
Mom 🐾
